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Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

(1 Cut | Cut me up)

Subject:deeply in love and falling hoplessly.
Time:8:38 pm.
Whats the difference? Cant find one? Thats because there is none.
This whirlwind of emotion I feel with D is nothing more then a downward spiral to the death. If not him killing me, then the drugs I will shoot up will. He shoots up, why wont I? We know I will.

I ruin my life.
there back.
I shall go

D is spoeaking to me. I better go get high.

( Cut me up)

Subject:A harderned razor on the wrists of life
Time:8:32 pm.
These false feelings rape my humanity.
Tearing my soul further each time
I wait for it
It never comes
You said you meant it
You said we'd be
fuck you.
fuck me
fuck me.

Only is it when I am not drowned in love that I find the time to post, why?
Why do I wait until he starts to make me feel neglected to respond?
Why do I respond in such a way?
Is it only when I am on the brink of suicide that I feel the need to share with the world?
That is utterly absurd though, if I was to try and kill myself, I would want less people to know.
Perhaps I do not know myself as clearly as I once presumed.
Why do I say perhaps?
It is the utmost truth, I never new myself and most likely never will.
I am far too complex to understand.
One minute a quite dipsoable girl, the next a hardened razor in the wrists of life.
I try to live life day by day.
As a normality, but it's not me.
I cry when there is no more milk.
I cry when the cat is wanting to be let out.
All I seem to do is cry.
People seem to assume I'm numb of all feeling though?
I cry by myself, like I cut by myself.
A lone girl will live and die alone.
Noone knows the full extent of the torment I go through.
Noone ever will either.
As am I, my pain is too complex.
I do not understand where it comes from, nor why it is here.
What is it that I lack in life?
I don not and never have had happiness.
Nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me giggle.
Yes people see these from me, but how many are real?
I am not the level headed, bubbly ditz I play out to be.
I'm something more drak.
I have nothing more to say, but I keep speaking.
I have nothing more to live for, but I keep living.
I am just a burden on everyones shoulders they wish to discard.
Noone really wants me.
They get the illusion they want me.
The illusion I am worth something in ther life.
Really though? What can I ring anyone apart from shared misery?
D though, he has more going for him than me.
If I didn't feel this love for him I'd tell him to go.
I think he's starting to realise how tainted I really am.
He says he love me, I love to beleive him.
With him I am almost happy.

When was I happy? When will I be happy? Fuck.

( Cut me up)

Subject:Im so happy, today I found my friends, there in my head
Time:8:21 pm.
Mood: pessimistic.
So using this livejournal instead of the new one. I dont like to recustomize. Oh and I forfget the password.
Going out with D
I suppose I love him
He says he loves me
He has sharp teeth
What do I think of him?
What do I want from him?

Im lost in a tidal wave of him. I dont know whats false, I dont know whats real. He holds me, he touches me, he kisses me, he sucks me, he bites me, he fucks me.
Does this sound farmiliar? Im pining for a fucker again. This ones 24, 5 kids, ex con, but the smarter readers would already of known that wouldnt they?
He wants to hurt me, he wants to make me scream. SOUND FUCKING FARMILIAR?
Jump back a few pages to draven. Thats where its from. I go around in circles. The boy is the same as the man.

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

(7 Cuts | Cut me up)

Time:12:28 pm.
Back at school.
I hate it. I swallowed a coin and feel like shit.

Long time since last entry.
Been happy for a while. Life sucks again.
I guess I'm back.

New guy Heith.
Sucks ass. He has some anger problem shit. I hate it. Yellyellsreambitchyell.
Hes a little girly ass. I wanna stab him in the fucking neck.

(1 Cut | Cut me up)

Subject:so fucking long
Time:12:22 pm.
Back at school
Lifes better
Back with Cameron
Sort of
Fucking hate these mind games.
He says he loves me
I want to satb him
Do I?
Or do I love him too?

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

(10 Cuts | Cut me up)

Time:8:51 pm.
Mood: infuriated.
God I hate my father.

Hes been home all of two days and has completely fucked up my plans for next year. I was to go to Muirden and finish school there, but no he had to come in and be all will you go etc....

Fuck you!

Im going to bed....

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

(1 Cut | Cut me up)

Time:10:03 pm.
Filling your body with lead, time to sever your head
my sparkling nine, shining above the flowing red
welcome to death, welcome to my every breath
i breeth...MacBeth, transforming into seth
heart racing, thinking, this man and osiris
thoughts rushing through my vains, defining us.

( Cut me up)

Subject:Hush little baby....
Time:9:43 pm.
I wanted a baby yesterday.... I had some catnip tea and then wanted a baby, despite the mild delrium I was being totally honest and real. Thankgod Cameron doesn't want one. I am most definately not ready for children. I shouldn't even be considering it... Were getting a puppy instead thank god. I can handle a puppy... As long as thats all it is.
I love Cameron, but I am so not ready for kids....

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

(3 Cuts | Cut me up)

Subject:I fucking loathe you
Time:3:01 pm.
All fucking pigs are the same. I thought Cams dad was different, but it seems Anna was fucking mislead again. Ive been kicked out of Camerons house and also have food poisoning, I havent slept last night either. I FUCKING LOATHE CAMERONS DAD.

Cant be fucked typing. Got drunk last night took toddles 2 the police station, bought maccas got food poisoning, left work early, went back 2 cams, got kicked out, went home, cried on mums shoulder, got a fone call from robyn, robyns coming around. Havent slept yet.

Goodbye all, Im too fucked to type anymore.

PS: thinking of admitting to Boylan ward again.

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

( Cut me up)

Subject:The reason is you...
Time:8:56 pm.
I really do care about Cameron I finally realised. He means more to me than anyone I know. I miss him so much and I saw him 23 hours ago. That is so very sad.
I spent the whole weekend with him, I am finally a stoner as Cameron says.... I had my first bucket the other day. It was okay, I still prefer pipes to what everyone else says. I just like the hyped up feeling I get.

The reason I hadnt posted in a long time is because a friend of myne... aka thabath has been in boylan ward. It was so fucking weird going back there.... I was actually recognised by one lady. So weird...
Hes actually thinking of readmitting himself... Im thinking of admitting myself, Cam knows, but he doesnt know how serious about it I am.

The party was good, I went as a fucking hot angel. Russ said I was the most gorgeous angel there. Cam gopt smashed as and we got some guy called Damien to drive us home. aka dazmo. In the morning him and Cam spent ages tieing me up and cutting my body and then rubbing the cuts with lemon juice. It was great. THAT is the kind of pain I like. It was controlled, they only did it because I told them to and the restrainsts werent really restraining me too much.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

(5 Cuts | Cut me up)

Time:8:57 pm.
Im going back to school next year. Im going to an adult re entry college called Muirden. Its on King William St. I like it, and I got in! Life is good for Anna. Its cloe to where Cameron and I are going to live aswell and he said that he'll help me pay for rent until I get a new job... I really do not like the idea of quitting maccas, but hey, I'll do what has to be done.

Were not moving in until after Christmas... Ive decided to help Cameron pay off the people he owes money while I still have a job and then start to buy stuff for our place, which we will also be sharing with John and Mazz.

( Cut me up)

Time:8:51 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Cameron broke his car last night. It was around 10 and me and him went to get ice cream, we were looking for a backstreet to park in to fuck and he tried to put his car in reverse while still driving, alas he broke it. We waited for ages for the RAA. After they came and left we waited for his mum. We had sex, well at first we were just hugging then he started playing with me, and then I was all you dont need to do this and he goes I want head so I'll make you cum first. So I just gave him head. I may say that I did a fucking awesome job! Oh he didnt cum in my mouth though, we ended up fucking cuz I was Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too horny.

Lol, I forgot to mention the other day him and I had sex for 10 hours, well kinda on and off, but really we only stopped to pee and thats it.
It was awsome! I had my 1st ever full blown orgasm.

OMG I found out the other day that Anthonys gf tried to fuck Nick but he came before he got in her. I guess that probably wasnt the best thing to put on my lj, but I write what I want so fuck off okay?

Anyways.... I love Cameron Burgess.

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

( Cut me up)

Subject:Such a delicate boy, In such a hysterical world.
Time:8:13 pm.
Mood: chipper.
Cameron made his own Livejournal... x_bloodrayne_x .


I feel really bad about calling him unreliable..

Well he just got here so I better go...

Tata for now.

Ohhhh ps I bought a new clit ring since the dragomn one broke. :P

Monday, October 25th, 2004

(2 Cuts | Cut me up)

Subject:please just lay me right here on my own.
Time:8:57 pm.
I don't know what the odds are of Cameron reading this, so I guess I'm just going to post it anyway.
I do not want to meet Danielle. I don't hate her, I'm sure she's a lovely girl, but I do not EVER want to meet her. I slept with her boyfriend, I guess that's one reason... Really the only reason I have thats valid. I feel threatened by her because she's Camerons ex and he speaks so highly of her. I have never encountered anything like that in my entire life. Then again look at my past friends and relationships. "when she walks into a room she makes it brighter" that got to me, becuase that used to be the old me. What happend?
I dunno anymore. I fucking give up.

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

( Cut me up)

Time:6:17 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Hey Anna,

Oh my god! how weird is that you find a bird and guess what? about a week ago a male budgie flew into our glass sliding door and got hurt. so i looked after him and bought a bird cage and now he's my pet. i called him Billy. he does this really weird thing in his cage. he hangs onto the side of the cage and then twists his body so hes hanging upside down. anyway YOU QUIET!!!! YEAH LIKE THATS GONNA HAPPEN!!! the only way youd shut up is if a waterskiing chipmunk fell through your roof and started singing the Egyption national Anthem while juggling shiny buttons. either that or you were dead and even then youd probably find a way. that time you came to school last and you had your chin pierced is it still there? or did you do something crazy and ripped it out? Do you remember how many DVDs i had when you were here. i dont remember, but know i have 56!!! which includes this really funny one called "ORGAZMO" with the guys from South Park. What type of subjects have you chosen for next year at school. Do you have a new fav Band? and What colour is your hair? Mine's PINK!! I gotta do my work now cause Mr. Davidson is giving me funny looks. You better write back!! (I'm shaking my fist at the computer)

From Lexy
P.S. Do you know why donuts have holes in them. i still dont understand it?

I miss Lisa... Alot. We used to do so much together... *sigh*

Tuesday, October 19th, 2004

(6 Cuts | Cut me up)

Subject:Suck my dick kid... Like your old Daddy did.
Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: giddy.
I called Davina. I don't know why. I was in the car with John, Cameron and Steven and then I just called her. She didn't cream Sindy's house, we still don't know who did. Draven was in the city the other day. He got a really bad haircut. Speaking of hair, I redyed mine red again. It is really bright now.

Looking at TAFE courses for next year... Not really that much that I like the sound of.

I got an email from Lisa today. I miss her quite a bit. I remeber the way we used to punch eachother and attack eachother just outta funness. I cant help but wonder, if I had of stayed with her instead of going off to the goths would I be in this situation? Most likely no. I would have stayed with Lisa, had fun, not met Anita, not have her live with me, then not have mum hate her, then not be suicidal, then not follow Nathan around aimlessly and then not get into shit with Scott Reid and then not move in with Anita, and then not leave school and then not meet Draven and then not meet Josh and then not meet Cameron. I guess it was good that I didn't stay with her so closely, I met Cameron out of it all. I just really miss the shit we used to do, like army crawling accross the MCG and attacking people with silly string. The stupid shit that made up my life. Thats the shit I want back. Fuck it, thats the shit I'm getting back. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore. All I need is a new lackey. Awww god! I can't get a new lackey, it's not that simple, I liked lisa as my lackey... She was good at what she did. I'm going to be the childish little fool I once was, back at the beginning of the year.

Kudos to you Lisa, you made me make this desicion. bahahaha I cant spell.

Friday, October 15th, 2004

( Cut me up)

Time:7:57 pm.
Ellen took speed today. I always thought that girl would stay innocent, but hey, I guess I was wrong.

( Cut me up)

Time:7:51 pm.
I'm moving out with Robyn soon... Shes found a place, I better start saving money...
Its in blackwood, blah blah blah. You get the point. This also means that if I go to school I will be going to Blackwood High. Hehehe, I love there skirts. I have a really bad headache. Why am I not going to bed? I am such a weirdo.

( Cut me up)

Subject:A poem by Robyn.
Time:11:30 am.
Many things have happened in my life,
Things I should cry or be in pain over,
But I’m not,
One day I will break down and weep,
Unfortunately, that day wont come,
There will never be such a day as that,
For I will never let anyone see me break down,
See me in pain, in agony or any other, than happy

( Cut me up)

Time:11:23 am.
Camerons readin my Livejournal.... I think right now actually.
I'm worried about what he's going to think.

I forgot to add that in the story the boyfriend had repeatedly cheated on the girl.


LiveJournal for xbutcher bunnyx.

View:User Info.
View:Website (Vampire Freaks).
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.